Why Always Me?
by JL01
Summary: An unofficial sequel to Sarah1281's "The Jedi Kind of Had it Coming". Full summary and acknowledgements inside.
1. Flashbacks and Diapers

**Story Summary: **An unofficial sequel to Sarah1281's "The Jedi Kind of Had it Coming". Around a month after he saw Juhani and Mical go off into the Unknown Regions, Revan finally gives in to Bastila's nagging and decides to go out there himself. The old and new gang is reunited, and that could only mean that hilarities will ensue.

**A/N:** Full credit is given to the developers of the story and game of KOTOR I & II, as well as Drew Karpyshyn who is the author of 'The Old Republic: Revan'. Full credit is also given to Sarah1281 for writing the two KOTOR fanfics, "So Not My Problem" and "The Jedi Kind of Had it Coming", which this fic continues from. I was hoping on her writing a sequel to her KOTOR II parody, but she's decided against it. So here it is, in my own version of events. Enjoy.

* * *

Why Always Me?

Chapter 1

Flashbacks and Diapers

"Why have you come here?" a dark, shadowy figure asked Revan from his mighty throne which was shrouded in darkness.

"I don't know," Revan replied. "Must have had a problem with my navigator. That, or I was just bored."

"No," the figure hissed, rising from his seat while his bones made a cracking noise which made Revan cringe.

_Geez, does he need a good chiropractor_, Revan thought. _Or a nice Twi'lek girl as a personal attendant. One or the other. Oh, I still remember that one Twi'lek masseuse I picked up near Corellia…Best. Decision. Ever. Maybe I'll pick another one up on the way back. Maybe even the same one. Where was I now? Oh, yeah. Talking to the creepy Sith guy. _Revan broke out of his daydreaming trance and focused himself again on the man who was approaching him.

"I see the truth behind your foolish words. You come here seeking power, glory…immortality," Vitiate insisted.

"You _definitely _can't tell whether a guy is bullshitting with you or not, _can you_?" Revan rolled his eyes and sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Malak here can tell you everything about me. As much as I'd like to tell you myself, that seems like a lot of work."

Malak groaned and mumbled incoherent words to himself, then began to explain to Vitiate. "We came from Republic space after defeating the Mandalorians. We all felt the immense power of the dark side after being in close proximity to Malachor V, and were immediately drawn to it. We resolved to set out and seek greater knowledge of the dark side, due to the knowledge we acquired from the holocron which hidden on-"

"Oh for Force's sake, Malak," Revan shook his head. "Cut the crap and get to the chase. Even the act of _listening _is hard for me."

"But…I…was going to…" Malak murmured.

"Ah, fine, I'll do it myself," Revan threw his hands up in the air in frustration. "Long story short, I killed Mandalore, took his knowledge, I got bored, heard about this place, Republic forces are all out trying to get me, I needed a place to stay, got bored again, so decided to come all the way out here. End of story."

"Hmm…intriguing…" Vitiate said as he stroked his chin. "Perhaps I may make some use of you after all…"

"Query: May I blast him, master? That great long chin presents a sizeable and most attractive target." HK asked eagerly behind Revan.

"Not now. You'll have plenty of other things to blast later on, though, so don't worry," Revan waved his hand back at him.

"I have a task for you," Vitiate declared. "If you are willing to undertake it, I promise you that you will gain power beyond your imagination."

"Tell us!" Malak begged like a puppy dog wanting a treat from its owner.

"…Will I have to put in a lot of effort?" Revan raised an eyebrow, his arms folded.

"Not necessarily," Vitiate insisted. "Are you willing to hear my offer?"

"Well, I'm too lazy to tell you otherwise, so be my guest."

"Very well. You will acquire for me the ancient Rakatan artifact called the 'Star Forge'. It is both a space station and an entity embodying the dark side of the Force, a thing of immense power," Vitiate started.

"Okay, so the return to be gained is somewhat desirable," Revan conceded. "Go on?"

"In order to acquire the location of the Star Forge, you must travel back to Republic space and seek out the four Star Maps that will lead to it. The maps are scattered across four different planets, the first being within some ruins on Dantooine, and-"

"Oh, for the love of…_stop right there_," Revan held out a hand. "That sounds like an awful amount of work to me. And I'm not sure if the returns really outweigh the investment involved, the investment being my energy. And my energy's really precious to me."

"I do not think that you properly understand," Vitiate scowled. "You _will _obey me. You _will _find the maps."

Revan felt eerie as he spoke again. "…Ok?"

"Good," Vitiate nodded and turned around. "I expect you to complete this task and return to me with good news. You may go now."

"Whatevs," Revan shrugged as the three of them turned around, HK looking down miserably with disappointment.

"Regretful statement: This humble unit was looking for action, master. The great-chinned meatbag was a _prime _possibility for target practice. I am _very _disappointed."

"I'm pretty sure you can blast anything that doesn't have a red skin color as soon as we get outside," Revan said. "They all seem so rather indifferent to anything that doesn't have red skin. Fancy that."

HK's eyes glowed immediately. "Delighted exclamation: Happy days!"

"What was he doing exactly, Revan?" Malak asked as they walked towards the exit. "Was he trying to…"

"Probe our minds? Probably," Revan admitted. "Though if he was trying to, I'd say that it was quite a pathetically weak attempt."

"Don't you see what this means, Revan?" Malak asked with an opportunistic tone. "If he does not have the power to see into our minds, then what power does he have that rivals our own? We can kill him here and now! You can take control of the entire Sith Empire!"

"Whoever said I wanted an empire to begin with?" Revan moaned at Malak's constant bitching. "Do you know how _hard _and _annoying _that'll be? Not to mention that it'll take a lot of work and energy."

* * *

"Revan?" Bastila drearily spoke to him in bed. "Is something the matter? You're awake."

Revan eyed her after waking from his dream. "How did you know?"

"Ahem…" Bastila slightly flapped their quilt up and down, referring to something that was under the bed.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that," Revan apologized, removing his hand from Bastila's ass.

"But really, what's bothering you?" Bastila went on. "You've been stirring in bed a lot in the past month."

"You don't like that?" Revan asked.

"Kind of hard to answer in exact terms," Bastila admitted. "But do tell me; what's wrong?"

"I want to explain it to you. I really do. It's just that I can't explain it without using more than three sentences, and as you know, I'm most definitely not a kind of guy who likes to actively engage in conversation so soon after falling asleep and waking up again. So yeah, you'll just have to wait a few hours until after I've had a bit of caffa in the morning, then we can talk properly about it. But not right now. I don't feel like it."

Bastila grimaced. "But…you've just _used _more than three sentences..."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

"I most definitely didn't."

Bastila sighed and rubbed her forehead, lying back against her pillow. "Fine. We'll talk about it later."

They later heard Vaner crying in his room, and Bastila rolled her eyes, both at the fact that the young baby was crying in the middle of the night, and also due to the memory of Revan being so arrogant that he pretty much named his son after himself. Well, it was either going to be 'Vaner', or 'Revan the Second', or even worse, 'Revan Junior'.

"Revan, it's your turn today," she groggily said.

"Nope. _Definitely _your turn today. I remember it clearly."

"Revan…" Bastila chuckled. "It's still 11:57pm. So technically, it's still 'today'."

"Yeah. That's what I said. It's 'today', so it's _your _turn, honey."

"It's still an _odd-numbered _day, you lazy arse of a man," Bastila turned and flicked Revan on the back of his head in frustration. "Now get yourself up and tend to our son."

Revan grumbled and got up. "Fine. But remember – you owe me one."

"I don't feel like it tonight, Revan," Bastila yawned. "Too tired for it."

Revan raised an eyebrow. "Do you even know what I'm talking about?"

Bastila mumbled. "Of course I do. Anyone can guess what's on _your_ mind, you great big pervert."

Revan shook his head. "Actually, I was kinda going to ask you to carry out routine maintenance work on T3 and HK, like I taught you to. T3's been giving me lemonade when I asked for tequila more often than not nowadays."

Bastila lazily opened one eye. "Oh…and I thought…never mind…"

Revan grinned in victorious satisfaction as he walked out of their bedroom and towards Vaner's. "_Now_ who's the pervert?"

Bastila poked her tongue out at him. "_You _are."

As he walked by himself in the corridor of their apartment, Revan wondered why he didn't make T3 or HK take charge of tending to Vaner instead of himself. His laziness reaching new heights, he had basically turned the two of them into servant droids. HK sometimes even whined that he was now more of a droid-maid than an assassin droid, his duties now resigned to menial tasks such as delivering Revan food and an occasional massage, while constantly bemoaning his own existence.

"All right, Vaner, what's the prob-pheeew!" Revan's hand flew up to his nose the minute he stepped into his baby son's room. The smell made him wonder how in the world that Mission and Zaalbar actually liked going into the Tarisian sewers, regardless of the loot they collected there.

"Oh well," he said in relief. "At least I'm not in Mical or the Cathar's shoes right now. Force-knows whether or not they're still even alive. Then again, meh…shit happens."

* * *

**A/N: **As it seems to be painfully obvious, I can't properly emulate Sarah1281's style of Revan as accurately as I would like. But I hope that people reading this story will enjoy it somewhat, nonetheless.

You can also read my other post-KOTOR II fic, if you like. A lot of you might have seen it around, and it's titled 'Heart of a Padawan'. It's an extremely serious fic when compared to this one though, but Revan remains a fairly humorous guy throughout.

Please leave your reviews!


	2. Whipped

**Chapter 2**

**Whipped**

…_I have the weirdest boner right now, _Revan thought as he woke to the sensation of sunlight against his eyelids. Whether it was because Bastila was half-sprawled over him, or because he had a most exhilarating dream of adding new modifications to HK-47 and T3-M4, he simply could not ascertain.

Struggling to move, he found that he was _dead _tired – as if he took after his mother, Vaner would not cease his whining for what was well over an hour. Revan thought he'd finally go mad before Bastila realized that what Vaner really needed was something that only she could provide. _Physically _provide. Nevertheless, she managed to solve Vaner's problem, and grumbled as Revan kept on telling her "I told you so!" all the way back to bed.

Turning his head in his pillow, he grinned as he looked at Bastila who was still asleep, lightly snoring through her open mouth which…_Is this drool on my shoulder? _Revan peered at his chest in dismay.

"Honey, wake up," Revan gently shook her.

"Stupid bastard," Bastila whined as she waved her hand about in the air. "Didn't call me sooner."

"I told you it was _your _turn, didn't I?" Revan crossed his arms.

"You _know _it was rightly your turn, Revan," Bastila kneed him under the quilt.

"By the _Force_!" Revan twisted in agony, his face going blue as he crumpled into a ball.

"Oh my goodness!" Bastila cried and immediately began to rub Revan's back. "I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to hit you there!"

"Say bye bye to the prospect of Revan Junior and Revan the Third," Revan groaned.

Bastila paused, then chuckled lightly. "I'm not exactly 'sad' to see that possibility go to waste. _One _Revan is more than enough for anyone to handle. _Bastila _the Second, on the other hand…"

"…Seriously, how much have you done that you're now starting to compare your deeds to mine? I'm pretty sure that I could've taken out Malak and also stopped Kreia solo without any help. It'd just take more effort, although I've gotta say that I wouldn't exactly be keen on that."

"Oh really?" Bastila put her hands on her hips. "And where do you think you'd be today, if I hadn't used my Battle Meditation to get you out of trouble when you needed it?"

"I could make judgment about the effectiveness of your Battle Meditation case by case, if that's what you really want. I really don't think that you helped much at all in the battle on board the Endar Spire. In fact, if I remember correctly, you were busy saving your own ass that you left behind some other hot chick who took an explosion right in the face because of you. The only other time I recall you using your Battle Meditation was during the battle of the Star Forge, and even then, the fact that you used it against us for more than an hour while using it to help us for roughly ten minutes doesn't exactly swing things in your favour. You know, I still wonder what would've happened if I had saved that girl and taken her with me and Carth in the escape pod. Who knows? The galaxy itself as we know it could be different altogether."

Bastila sighed. "…You still remember something like that?"

Revan shrugged. "Well, yeah. She was hot. Really hot. Force knows what might have happened if she survived and had come with me."

Bastila rolled her eyes and shoved Revan in the face. "Get out of bed, mister. Time for breakfast. And you're making Vaner's meal today."

Revan whined. "Do I _have _to?"

"Consider it punishment for not using common sense last night to calm him down."

"Isn't that your fault? I mean, you're the one who didn't think ahead and come into his room so that he could get something to drink from your—"

"Breakfast! Now!" Bastila sternly said to him, and Revan immediately shot out of bed like an utterly whipped man. No matter how much he wanted to call T3-M4 to carry out his menial errand, he knew that Bastila had the ears of a…you know, one of those aliens with superhuman hearing…

Later during breakfast, Revan couldn't help but notice that Bastila had a slightly remorseful expression on her face as he questioned her about it.

"What is it, honey?"

"Oh, nothing, Revan," she dismissed.

"That's what you always say, and then there's always some problem instead. Usually involves me putting in effort."

"I guess I'm just a tad sorry about what I made you do last night," she apologized. "I should have thought sooner, Revan, and—"

"Bastila, stop right there. I know what you're going to say," Revan shook his head.

Bastila looked at him with perplexed eyes. "Say what?"

"I'll just say that I don't need it."

"Need what?"

"You know what I mean…" Revan grinned devilishly.

"…That was just one time," Bastila narrowed her eyes. "You were mightily upset, and I wasn't sure just how to make it up to you."

"Maintenance work on T3 and HK wouldn't have been bad. In fact, I think it would've been an easier way for you to properly apologize altogether."

Bastila teasingly poked her tongue out at him. "You wish, darling."

They both looked at their infant son who seemed to be rather disinterested in the soup that Revan had prepared for him. T3 voiced his dismay at having to clean up after the mess that Vaner flung here and there with his spoon in what was almost a 360-degree radius.

Revan spoke to Bastila. "Honey, I don't think Revan Junior is-"

"Vaner," his wife corrected him.

"Right. Anyways, I don't think he's rather pleased with that baby formula anymore. I think we should get something new."

"He's only been having that for a week!" Bastila whined. "Oh, for Force's sake, he must have taken after you in terms of appetite."

"There's a fine line of difference between 'appetite' and 'preference', you know," Revan defended himself. "I'm more of the 'preference' type. Zaalbar's the 'appetite' type. Mission's kind of an 'appetite' type too, but I'm still damn surprised to this day at how she doesn't get fat. I give her a dish of food, go out of the room and come back five minutes later to see that everything is gone."

Bastila laughed. "Well, you can't blame her – after all, seeing how dangerous the lower levels of Taris are, it would have been all the more difficult for the two of them to regularly access the Hidden Bek base."

Revan shrugged. "Just putting it out there."

Bastila then posed a more serious question. One that was bound to tug away at Revan's laziness nerve.

"Revan, pardon me for asking this, but…don't you think that you should do something about…you know…?"

Revan decided to push the limits of his apathy in the hopes that he could avoid getting himself into another bothersome predicament. "Not sure what you're talking about."

"On other end of the galaxy? A particular Cathar and a persistently high male Jedi?"

"Still…not…quite following…"

"Ugh," Bastila sighed and held her face in her hands. "The Unknown Regions. The Sith Empire. You told us all about it and left us speechless, remember?"

"Aah, crap," Revan exhaled and leaned back in his chair. All he ever wanted to do now, after dealing with not one, but two major Sith threats against the Republic, was to just lay back, put his feet up and enjoy the tequila that T3 or HK would occasionally bring him. The thought of having to take himself out there again and do something about a Sith invasion which most likely wouldn't come for another few centuries simply mind-boggled him.

"Is that a yes or a no?" Bastila asked. She knew that regardless of what Revan inwardly gave, the words that came out of his mouth would always be along the same lines.

"Can't I put it off for another year?"

"No."

"Another 11 months?"

"No."

"10 months?"

"Don't push it, Revan," Bastila frowned.

"…Not even _one _month?"

Bastila sighed in admission. "Well, I…guess I should be fair about some things, after all."

Revan froze in shock. "So…you're _ordering _me to get my ass on the line out there? Isn't that a bit harsh?"

Bastila immediately shot back. "Isn't it 'a bit harsh' to trick two people into getting _their _asses on the line in a futile endeavour?"

Revan waggled his head side to side. "I don't see the harm in it. If memory serves me right, the 'True Sith' are quite shoddy fighters who merely frighten people with their bad skin complexion. Maybe you should go yourself and show them a sight they could aspire to?"

"Shut up, Revan," Bastila grinned and took up her spoon again, flattered by Revan's compliment. "But really, you must get out there and do something about the Sith. There's no other way for it."

"Can't you just call up Meetra? She's the one who gets all jumpy and giddy at the first thought of helping people."

"_You _got us into this mess in the first place by getting involved with those Sith, Revan, so _you _get us out of it."

"But…they're not even gonna come here. The Sith Emperor is probably the most indecisive guy you'll ever meet. And even if they do, believe me when I say that the True Sith are even worse shots than the ones we faced already wearing those shiny silver spandex suits," Revan insisted.

"Revan…" Bastila frowned seriously.

"Oh Force, I have to go myself, don't I?" Revan collapsed back into his chair.

"Mm hmm," Bastila nodded.

"And you're completely okay with this? You okay with the idea of sending me out there and leaving Revan Junior here alone?"

"He's not going to be alone. I'm staying with him. And it's _Vaner_!" Bastila gruffly stated.

"Well, if you're staying here, then I'm not going out there," Revan crossed his arms and shook his head.

"But…you have to!"

"I already said that I don't, didn't I? I think you're really overestimating the Sith threat here, as are the rest of you. I know I said that the Emperor and the Sith are pissed off after finding out about us blowing up Korriban, and that they're preparing an invasion, but it's really no big deal. Sith warships are like floating potato chips – they're that fragile. They might come here in numbers, but then that'd only mean that Canderous and his Mandalorians can cry tears of joy as they enjoy shooting ships out of the sky and taking bets on each other's kill counts. I just might send HK to join them if that's the case – any prolonged lack of violence can drive him insane."

Bastila looked at him curiously. "So what are you suggesting that we do?"

* * *

Bastila held her head in her hands hours later as she stood beside Revan in the center chamber of the Ebon Hawk. The entire crew – both former and latter, including Carth whom Bastila had to drag out of his command tower by her persistent whining and bitching – were gathered quite miraculously in order to discuss their next course of action. Well, all except for Juhani and Mical, of course.

She was amazed that she had somehow allowed Revan to have his way by bringing her along with him, as if to give her a taste of her own medicine. To drive home his argument that the True Sith were not even dangerous at all, he even had her keep Vaner seated on a baby carrier that came with a strap that was bound around her shoulders.

"'It'll be completely fine', he said. 'Revan Junior will have a blast while we're at it', he said…" Bastila moaned silently to herself.

"What's that, honey? Does Revan Junior need another diaper change?" Revan asked. Bastila merely blushed in embarrassment while the small child in front of her waved his arms about and wondered what the hell was going on around him.

"Y'know, I'm actually surprised that this meeting's taking place at all. Seemed utterly improbable at the time," Mira noted.

"Well, since Canderous and a whole lot of others managed to gather their forces back on their home planets and join us in time for the battle of Telos, I'm not surprised," Meetra said.

"I can't help but feel that there's a significantly great force at work here. As if we're all just hamsters or gerbils whose strings are being pulled by a higher power who's currently taking great glee at making our lives absolutely horrendous by putting us through one bad plot twist after another in an attempt to construct some form of crude entertainment," Atton pondered deeply.

"Too much skooma?" Mission raised an eyebrow.

"_Way _too much skooma," Mira agreed.

"Do we actually have enough provisions for the trip, through? It's going to be one mightily long journey," Canderous noted.

Meetra shrugged. "Well, I've never actually seen any of you eat during our time together despite the fact that it's an obvious physiological need, so I'm guessing that we've got plenty. Even for Mission."

Mission looked at her. "You mean Zaalbar, right?"

Atton shook his head. "Nope. All you, kiddo."

Mission glared at them both. "I hate you."

"So I assume that we all know what we're here for?" Visas questioned the members of the group.

"We've got to put our asses on the line again and take out that Sith Emperor, right?" Carth guessed.

"Technically, we don't actually need to," Revan explained. "If I know the Emperor as well as I think I do, he won't budge at all. He's like one of those really shoddy Pazaak players who can't move a muscle when both him and his opponent's number count is at 19. You all must know just how apathetic I am thanks to Kreia, who always says that you should aim to keep neutral in the hopes of using people to your advantage, so I figured from that that it'd be best if I don't do anything at all and let everything sort itself out naturally. Problems solve themselves, and I don't have to move a muscle – how awesome is that? Too bad that Bastila was so insistent that I do something about it. She's the reason why all of us are here."

The entire crew glared as one at Bastila, who whimpered and shuddered. "What? Well, _someone's _got to do it!" she whined.

Mira leaned sideways and softly whispered to Mission as she took a wild guess at the reason why Bastila insisted on this rather pointless endeavor.

"It must be that time of month for her."

* * *

**A/N:** Wow, it's been ages since I first uploaded this thing. I've been busy with exams the past month, and I've also been working on my "Heart of a Padawan" KOTOR fic, and have completely forgotten about this one during that time. I'll try to upload the next chapter when I can.

Reviews, please!


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